Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
