the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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