Don't make out with my wife yet
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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