Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
