I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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