His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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