I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
