I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
