This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
