onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
