OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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