His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
