she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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