Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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