Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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