she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
