I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
