Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
