omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
