i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
