Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
