so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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