Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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