Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have fence marks all over my body
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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