you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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