Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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