After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
