You just made me feel so damn special
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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