the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
