Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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