i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
