omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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