Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
