I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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