god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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