The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
