I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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