I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
