Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
