i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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