masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
