We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
