piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
