i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
