My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
