I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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