Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
