I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Terrible idea I love it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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