I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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