you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
