On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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