i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
