why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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