everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
