My entire life is one complicated drinking game
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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