We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
